We have a lot of close calls.
It is just me and my son. It’s a close call each time my son is not feeling well, sick from his Asthma attacks. It’s a close call, with the violent coughing and when he cannot catch his breath to breathe. It’s a close call with the seizures, fevers and high blood pressure he has. It’s a close call with the TICS all day & every day especially with lots of body jerking. I know his limbs are sore. It’s a close call when he stops breathing while sleeping. All of these things, SCARE ME!
With all these close calls, no matter if he’s feeling bad, he does not miss a beat in his routine. His day must go on the same way like every day or he will feel worse-failed to thrive. This kiddo also suffers severe stomach problems because his tummy cannot process foods normally, even if he is eating gluten free. He cannot have acidity such as orange juice, lemonade, cranberry juice (yes cranberry juice) because he either produces too much acid or too much protein. He continuously loses weight and muscle, weakening his beautiful frame. He tells me “Mom, my stomach is thumping.”. And I will ask, “Does it hurt you?“. His reply is usually, “A tiny tiny bit but worse than the other day but better than yesterday“. His final question to me is, “Mom what do you feel?“.
Awww, my poor child thinks I can measure and feel his pain. He carries the burden thinking all of his sickness is his fault. How do I measure the pain level my son is in? How do I try to tell him that he is not the blame? I am his Mom and I am suppose to be able to just take any pain way from him. He looks at me sometimes like, just take it away MOM. So in the meantime, all this is going on with his health, I failed to mention that he is not sleeping either. At times I’m up all night with him with 2 hours left before having to be at work. What a disaster recipe.
I am the sole provider, yes a single mama bear in my household. 7 days a week, 24 hours a day it’s the same old song but with a new verse. Here we go again. A new day; a new week starting all over again.
With all this going on, I am praying & asking God to let my baby (24 years old) die before me if it is his time. He can take me a day after him. That is my prayer and wish. I think of this a lot. Over and over I am fixated on this thought. I know that no one would be able to take care of him like me. his, mother, mama, mom. Who else out there has these thoughts too? I know I am not by myself. They say that most parents want to go before their kid/kids, not me. I’ll go a day after him. If I go a day after him, then I can be at peace that my son will not suffer at all. No matter how good his support is prepared for my death. My thought is if I died before him, he would be heartbroken and could not function, literally. I have been with him all his life. This would be devastating for him. I can imagine him looking and crying out for me. I am hoping that God hears my prayer and let him go before me, and I can go day after.
Another close call was on April 17th, 2018. I was in a terrible car accident that really scared me. It required me to be in the hospital for a few days. Believe me when I say that I saw my life flash before my eyes this day. My car was hitting the road barriers, making me jump about 50 feet in the air into the median, then about 100 feet smashing into a construction crane. Did I mention, I saw my life flash before my eyes. I had a quick vision of my son living without me and crying, miserable, devastated, missing me, and could not understand.
Yes, he has his dad and stepmother who live in Texas, there is even my very best friend in the world who would be there with no question. However, they still do not know the little details about him like I do. Who can take care of him better than me? No one! It will be close but not how he is use to the things that mom does to help him. They said that if you took a 100 babies crying in a large room with also your baby in the room crying too, a mother will know her own baby’s cry out of the 100. How many mothers out there have these intrusive and fixated thoughts about your child with special needs (Autism) to please go before you? I can go a day after. I am thinking that is not too much to ask? Am I being selfish? No I don’t believe I am…I am being a mother.
Please do not be offended by my heavy thoughts. I am writing about my feelings because I know you will take time to listen and understand. You’d never judge me. I know I can talk to you and be completely honest and vulnerable. I would say I’m sorry about the way I’m thinking, but I am not sorry. I am being real 100% about these thoughts. Let me know how you feel about this article and please be honest. Share with me anything. Any encouragement, feedback, prayers, and wisdom are truly appreciated and Thank you for taking your time out of the day to read my 1st blog article EVER. Thank you and know that I love you. XoXo